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breathe out (swallowing water)

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if i had known what you were thinking
if i had known you had begun to believe the lie
i would have told you
right then and there
it's a trap
you'll come out the other side
(if you come out the other side)
with more pain and humiliation
than you ever thought one person could have

i know
i'm an eyewitness
to the devastation the lie can bring
i've seen it firsthand
i've experienced it
i've walked that path
and come to it's dead end
and banged my head against the bricks there
and had everything i held as true
eclipsed in the lie

and i know firsthand
that if i hadn't at last acknowledged the lie
for what it is
i would still be in prison
i would still be neck deep in pig shit
gasping for air
wondering where god is
and why he turned his back on me
and why he's laughing at my pain

lie leads to lie
first comes the lie that i can
and must
and have the right to
on my own
out of my own desires
create a place of bliss and happiness
in this time and space
because after all
i've been a victim too long
then when that lie crashes and burns
and i lose all hope
the second lie comes
god is laughing
or is punishing me
and i can never again be in the center of his eye
or perhaps he will forgive
but life will always be dark
because i've settled for second-best
and will never know love

these lies are insidious
they are like an acid the eats away at my soul
like an infection that sucks the life out of my bones
or like running blindly into an eternal briar patch
out of which there is not escape
or like a high wall surrounding me on all sides
that can never be overcome
things are too damaged
too sick
too perverted and weird
i'm living with a defect
thumbs cut off
missing an arm
eyes gouged out
naked and shaved
i'll limp through life
head held high (because of pride)
but dying inside

and that is the third lie
and belittles the power and love that there was and is
in the greatest of gifts ever given
for to think i can't be helped
i can't be forgiven
things will never be good again
it's too late
it's too late
betrays and humiliates
and smacks in the face of the one who gave the gift
and paints a black picture
of the pride in my heart
and my selfishness

if only i had known
but i won't get caught in that trap
'cuase i'm not your saviour
no man can be
all i can do is love you
with a brand new love
a love that seeks no fulfillment
that doesn't long to be returned
a love that is void of my expectations
and my desires
that always protects, always trusts, always hopes
always perseveres
and never fails
from this point forward
that's what i mean
when i say

...i love you

(christ have mercy)

© 2001 (5 january) john r. chase

truly, the darkest point in my life. darker than back in 1998, darker than the summer of 2000.