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false re-lease

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i feel a release from
     competition coming on
    yet i know it to be false!!
    when fake things make one feel
  fake, then why does man
 continue to perfect its fakeness
 it's like trying to count the dust
  particles on a window pane.
       Man will only learn when he
     dies in his ignorance
       this is not fiction, yet fact.
     There are no relationships,
       but physical, and i wish it
       weren't so, but the elders
      of youth refuse us the privileges
      they had when young.
      it is like blowing snow, seen once,
              yet never again.
the emphasis is on the wrong
  therefore, acknowledging it as unchangeable,
   yet still refusing to accept it,
   i must not conform
  and therefore be cast down in the ranks,
  because it just doesn't matter!

© 1986 john r. chase

wow, there's a lot here. i am rediscovering my true self; the sensitive, caring, gentle, nurturing, affectionate me that came out of my mother's womb a little over thirty years ago. as one of the songs i have written says, "somewhere in the middle i got lost" and became the fearful, angry, self-protective, critical person from which i am now in recovery. so what i'm trying to say without drowning you in psycho-babble is that the real me, the good me has always been there. that me desires a level of intimacy in relationships that scares most people. the problem is that although that desire has never gone away, the "damage done" over the years has stripped me of the tools i was created with to make it happen. without saying anymore, that is basically what this poem is about.