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friday, 1 a.m.

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here i am
another sleepless night
full of torment and joy
and dreamy thoughts
of what is
and what could be

again, here
face to face
with all that's black
and all that's bright
and trying to discover
where the hurt ends
and i begin

watching one by one
as the minutes pass
replaying the events of the day
of the week, of my life
marveling at the dichotomy
of pain and pleasure
that my soul is enduring

counting one by one
as the tears stream down my face
and my soul feels the emptiness
of complete rejection
and ridicule

rolling, tossing, turning
trying to understand
how in the light of all that's been written
and i thought believed
and in the hypocritcal name of relationship
one person could violate trust
and upset the fragile balance
two could scheme together
to forsake all they believed
all they were
for an empty promise
and a greasy donut
with no filling

but i'm cool with it
and in fact find great joy
at the privilege
of being found worthy
to suffer the anguish
and the betrayal
and the cruel death
of the one who calls me by name

i've been given a chance at real life
to stop playing games
and grasping at straws (this world)
and stroking my ego (selfish desires)
and once and for all
kill everything in me
that seeks to preserve
to maintain
to protect
and then finally learn
what it really means
to trust no one else
but the roaring lion
who is majestic
and beautiful
but not quite tame
and worthy of awe and fear

so why do they have no fear
why do they believe themselves
to be floating in a magical bubble
that won't pop
and send them hurling to the ground
without an angel to catch them
because they missed the point
of the second temptation
plugged their ears
and chose to test their maker
have they uncovered some great mystery
that the rest of us have missed
no, they've fallen prey also
to the first temptation
the right to better our situation
through our own efforts

but now it's almost three
and once again i find
that the lover of my soul
is singing to me softly
and calling me to truly abandon
all of my support mechanisms
and lean completely, totaly
and without hesitation
on him
i know his burden is light
and to do anything else
would be insane

i think i'll try to get some sleep now

© 2001 (2 february) john r. chase

i couldn't sleep, and got tired of all my thoughts in the night disappearing on me. so i brought my laptop up to the bed, and hammered out my thoughts.

proofreading later that morning, i was surprised that very little editing or cleaning up was needed. i think some of my best thoughts very early in the morning. after this, the laptop stayed by bedside, ready for me to hammer out the vibes of my heart.