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this is never gonna end
the tears will never stop
the bleeding will never cease
and why
because you will never fully realise
the magnitude of what you've done
your pride will never allow you to admit to it
never give truth a chance
you're so far, so far, so far
so maybe if i can take all my love
and tie it in knots
and set it on fire
and stuff it down, deep down
and put my emotions in neutral
then maybe i can continue to go on
and stop being real
and put on a mask like you
a work mask, and a parent mask
and all the masks i need to wear
and who knows
maybe one day i'll meet someone new
and i'll put on my lover mask
like you used to
and in the end it all will have been
a complete waste
but at least i kept from ending my life
that'll count for something, i hope

you saw a thread
so you pulled it
and the more you pulled
the more i unraveled
but it wasn't just cloth
it was woven into my flesh
it's crawling in my skin
but you kept pulling
you keep pulling
and the thread is warm and moist
and red
and it stains everything
as it piles up in the floor
put you keep pulling
until nothing's left of me
until my insides are on the outside
and i'm nothing but a stain
and these wounds they will not heal

i wish i could be like you
and not care (about anything but myself)
but i do care
and that will be what ultimately destroys me
i'm a spirit who cares in a world of number one souls
but there can only be one number one
and he is number one to me
i thought he was number one to you too
at least that's what you told me
but it was just another mask
just another lie
i lost count some time ago

and even in my moment of being real with you
of telling you how i feel
still all you see is criticism
it must be horrible to be so insecure
to have such a core need to never admit wrong
to always be justified
i can't even begin to imagine

my words are different
my song has changed
my heart beats differently
but it still all sounds the same to you
because you've boxed me in
i've been type-cast
all i ever wanted
was to be real
my ideals consisted of being real
and nothing else
but your ideals had attachments
houses and beds and nick-nacks
and stuff
why didn't you tell me
i guess we were both talking
just in different languages
i was saying you could have those things
but something else was more important
yet that's not what you heard
i'm not sure what you heard

to me it's about being real
to you it's a game
no matter what move i make
whether sincere or not
whether motivated from love or not
it's the wrong move
because you know all my motives better than me
everything i do, you've already attached a reason
so i've lost before i leave the gate
if i hold on, i'm being clingy
if i let go, then you feel there truly is no hope
i'm damned in your economy
so i might as well be dead
because you and i are by the laws of the universe
plugged in deep
so if i unplug
i have to go back to the beginning
and start over
and i'm too tired for that
but thanks to you
i guess i really have no choice
other than dying

i don't want to have to wait
until that day
when all the masks fall off
and we have no choice but to come to terms
with the truth
for you to be able to recognise what's really happening
and how blindly you've been led
but every time we talk
i come away again with tears
not tears because i'm hurt
or tears because you relationally beat me up
but tears because i love you
and my heart aches that you still cling so tightly to all the lies
so i guess i'll continue through this cycle
of thinking you will see the truth about things
but then having my hopes destroyed
and you, you're wrong
it's not about me
it's not about returning
it's about you
it's about you doing what's best for your spirit
and not what your soul wants
you remember your spirit, don't you
i'm sure you haven't heard from it for a while
even though it's still screaming bloody murder

i still believe those words
that said those living for this life lose the next
but those living for the next get this one in the deal
i know that to be true
and that's why my heart aches so much
because i don't want you to lose
but there's nothing i can say
there's nothing i can do
so this is never gonna end

© 2001 (4 may) john r. chase

oops! i guess i left my underwear back in the dressing room, just a minute...