never :: prev :: next :: this is never gonna end never the tears will never stop the bleeding will never cease and why because you will never fully realise the magnitude of what you've done your pride will never allow you to admit to it never give truth a chance you're so far, so far, so far away so maybe if i can take all my love and tie it in knots and set it on fire and stuff it down, deep down and put my emotions in neutral then maybe i can continue to go on and stop being real and put on a mask like you a work mask, and a parent mask and all the masks i need to wear and who knows maybe one day i'll meet someone new and i'll put on my lover mask like you used to and in the end it all will have been a complete waste but at least i kept from ending my life that'll count for something, i hope you saw a thread so you pulled it and the more you pulled the more i unraveled but it wasn't just cloth it was woven into my flesh it's crawling in my skin but you kept pulling you keep pulling and the thread is warm and moist and red and it stains everything as it piles up in the floor put you keep pulling until nothing's left of me until my insides are on the outside and i'm nothing but a stain and these wounds they will not heal i wish i could be like you and not care (about anything but myself) but i do care and that will be what ultimately destroys me i'm a spirit who cares in a world of number one souls but there can only be one number one and he is number one to me i thought he was number one to you too at least that's what you told me but it was just another mask just another lie i lost count some time ago and even in my moment of being real with you of telling you how i feel still all you see is criticism it must be horrible to be so insecure to have such a core need to never admit wrong to always be justified i can't even begin to imagine my words are different my song has changed my heart beats differently but it still all sounds the same to you because you've boxed me in i've been type-cast all i ever wanted was to be real my ideals consisted of being real and nothing else but your ideals had attachments houses and beds and nick-nacks and stuff why didn't you tell me why i guess we were both talking just in different languages i was saying you could have those things but something else was more important yet that's not what you heard i'm not sure what you heard to me it's about being real to you it's a game no matter what move i make whether sincere or not whether motivated from love or not it's the wrong move because you know all my motives better than me everything i do, you've already attached a reason so i've lost before i leave the gate if i hold on, i'm being clingy if i let go, then you feel there truly is no hope i'm damned in your economy so i might as well be dead because you and i are by the laws of the universe plugged in deep so if i unplug i have to go back to the beginning and start over and i'm too tired for that but thanks to you i guess i really have no choice other than dying i don't want to have to wait until that day when all the masks fall off and we have no choice but to come to terms with the truth for you to be able to recognise what's really happening and how blindly you've been led but every time we talk i come away again with tears not tears because i'm hurt or tears because you relationally beat me up but tears because i love you and my heart aches that you still cling so tightly to all the lies so i guess i'll continue through this cycle of thinking you will see the truth about things but then having my hopes destroyed and you, you're wrong it's not about me it's not about returning it's about you it's about you doing what's best for your spirit and not what your soul wants you remember your spirit, don't you i'm sure you haven't heard from it for a while even though it's still screaming bloody murder i still believe those words that said those living for this life lose the next but those living for the next get this one in the deal i know that to be true and that's why my heart aches so much because i don't want you to lose but there's nothing i can say there's nothing i can do so this is never gonna end never © 2001 (4 may) john r. chase
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