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Right Where I Am

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Neo was looking for Morpheus
He believed Morpheus could tell him,
What is the Matrix?

I, too, am looking for the answer.

Life is cause and effect.
If one ever battles with reality,
do something careless
or selfish.
One will see his actions
ripple as on a lake,
smooth becomes choppy,
rocking the sleepy passengers
No, we do not scream in a vacuum.

What is reality,
What is contentment,
Can a dog be content,
Is fear in a human an emotion,
But in an animal only instinct,
Why is my intellect like fireworks
Full of beauty and wonder
But all too soon, gone
Leaving nothing but smoke . . .

I see clearly
that doing my best
right where I am
is the way to improve my future

Yet right where I am is meaningless.
Doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results
has been said to define insanity.
Regardless, it demonstrates futility.

Even still, on occasion
my soul has been moved,
books, film, music, friends.
So there must be something there,
for there are signs of life
a soulish pulse
a fogging on the mirror of my eyes
a twitch
a tear.

Looking deep, deeper
it becomes clear.
I am a master at playing my part.
I have perfected the craft
over nearly four decades of practise.
I rival electricity,
following the path of least resistance.
But I don't play this role
out of love of the art,
but out of fear.
Fear to be who I am
Fear I will disappoint
Fear that I'm wrong
That my intuition will again lead me astray

It has been said
a sure sign of sanity
is healthy self-awareness.
But for me
it is a prison.
I've had more thoughts
than any one person should have.
I'm too young to feel this old,
this tired.

$23 a month sounds affordable,
but how many months are we talking about . . .

© 2007 (7 August) john r. chase

...nail in foot = perfect circle...