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it didn't go like I had hoped
only another reminder of the sadness in my heart
it melts and falls down like rain
and everything that pushes me away is right here

but then the littlest of them all
comes and brings a fresh breath of innocence
and standing close I whisper words
not understood they form some sort of a prayer

you're the reason I stick around
the joy you give me carries me from day to day
if I can't quiet these voices in my head
I'm going to fill it with lead

my story's not even halfway over
there's so much more to write and so much more to live
and I don't know where it's all leading
my mind is the biggest obstacle to any sort of success

I've changed so much, but then again, not really
my eyes were blinded, but now I see how dark the night is
you're the sunlight in the night
you're the reason I march on with this heavy burden on my back

I'd like to hear your voice again
I say "again" not knowing if I've ever heard from you
I haven't buried it in the earth
But I'm not the shrewdest of investors either

Please, tell me, am I close
I don't feel close
I feel very, very far away
On my own
Every step if not deliberate, at least willful
All my efforts are half-hearted
I'll be relegated to the fringe of heaven
On the outside looking in
Swapping stories of earth
With those whose clothes are singed
As twilight lights our faces

I know there is beauty here
So much of life
I don't want to live in this thimble any more
Is my search for significance merely vanity
Is my desire for the inner circle narcissistic
Dammit, I'm meant for more than this
Fighting these petty battles
Trying to get them all to raise their heads
Trying to keep them from being drowned in the mire of the lukewarm, the mediocre
With those close at hand I have no influence
From those whom I desire to influence I am far away

But at the end of the day, I will fight
Of course I will fight, I always do
I would like to think you will fight with me, for me
There are many stories that paint that picture of you
But in my darkest night there is no white horse
No heroic rescue
No epic story to share and encourage the masses
There's bread, and a friend to share the darkness
But from my limited point of view
I fight alone
Perhaps I have the strength to fight alone
And that is why you don't intervene

But you know me, you know I play all angles
That voice labels me a pessimist
Tries to convince me that regardless of the good
I will always shine the light on the bad
Maybe my fight is against these notions
That seek to undermine my resolve
Others have it far worse than I
Who am I to complain

Soon my breaking heart will mend
Soon a happy ending

© 2008 (14 november) john r. chase

...this one, Mr. B., is meandering and braided...