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that's not what i meant to say

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when did it happen,
when did everything
that i touch, taste, see, hear, feel
become a simulation
someone, something
slowly, atom by atom
moment by moment
built a time and place
that looks just like the one
i used to live in
and smells just like the air
i used to breathe

senses are numb
emotions tenderised
tips of fingers blunt
eyes dull and unreflective
bones creak, but no pain is felt
everything is reduced
to fatigue and rage

a gun was placed
on the left side
next to my temple
a voice i once trusted
spoke and said
this is now your life
don't flinch
don't even blink
or i'll pull the trigger

i wish you would...
maybe then
the terror of this reality
would come to an end
but that would be merciful
and you're not into mercy these days
are you
no, you're into you these days
what an arrogant jerk

i have this dream
that i can ask you want you want
and you can stop puking bull shit
and lay down your pride
and give me a real answer
but it's only a dream
and not very likely
because i want to be real
i never wanted anything else
but you want to take your turn
flip another piece on the gameboard
and wait for me to make my move
and honestly
if that's all you're capable of
then i've already lost
and my dream is already dead

from the day i was born
i've been looking for someone
someone who is fearless
who will without regard for self
take my hand
and join me in the dive
into complete transparency...

...i guess i'm still looking

© 2001 (2 may) john r. chase

on this one, i started out to tell one story, and ended up telling another. i guess that happens sometimes. please don't take offense or think that i harbour any sort of unforgiveness. no, this is how i felt at one given moment in time. so i expressed my feelings. but i'm learning to not be controlled by them.