two days :: prev :: next :: two days, I feel real five days, I feel drugged, violated, in a death-trance today, I feel like I've been convicted of a crime and yesterday was my last day of freedom and today is the day I begin serving my sentence today, I just want to feel good about something anything I dig and dig, reaching for the light but my shovel is no match for this large machinery for every bucket I dig a mountain is dumped back on me I keep fooling myself thinking I can maintain my grip but it's spinning too fast or I can stare just right and the magic 3D image will come into focus but today is not that day there is a still place a quiet place a place of color and soft light of rest and warmth of everything fitting and nothing missing (early in the morning I held you close but I wanted to give you the chance to fall asleep again and I didn't want to make you too warm so I turned, moved away bided my time) I spend so little time there I increasingly forget how to get back and often I don't realize I'm there until I realize I was just there and now I'm not I remember those words... I do one thing at a time I do it very well Then I move on As for now, I do many things at a time I do none of them well, and don't have the time to understand any of it This is contrary to my bent It's water in my lungs air in my stomach sand in my veins five days it's like this but these five days pay for the two days it's not so the question I wrestle with lately is does one balance the other is the pain worthy of the pleasure the frustration worthy of the fruition I will be shaken but I will keep moving © 2008 (14 april) john r. chase
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