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you tell me

:: prev :: next ::

there's a wall
between you and me
it's a shield i carry around
although i don't mean to
that is, it's unintentional
or at least sub-conscious

it's really more of a dam
or perhaps a dyke
for i fear if it weren't there
i would flood all over you
because that's the kind of person i am
no shallow thoughts
just a deep, still flow
that attracts no attention
but has a tremendous mass
under which many treasures are hidden

so if i let it go
if i opened the gates
and soaked you with me
you might not like that
so in consideration of you
and that if you want to know you'll ask
(and because i think i'm rather uninteresting)
there is this (for lack of a better word) wall


you have a wall too
i'm beginning to see
it's hidden by trees
and covered with vines
it blends in, and is not noticeable
but i know it's been there a long time
were you hurt
is your wall to protect you from others
or like mine, to protect others from you

i keep putting up ladders
to see if i can peer over
into your land
but i haven't found a ladder high enough yet
or because of the trees
i can't lean up against the wall

even so, i have imagined
what it might be like over there
a meadow flooded with the evening sun
dotted with fruit trees
and off to the north
a dark forest
mysterious and compelling
am i close
knowing me, you're probably laughing about now

should i keep trying to see in
would i be scared if ever i did
does what i think really matter that much to you
or is it just that to open the heavy iron gates
takes a lot of effort
and for whatever reason
you've concluded i'm not worth it
or perhaps you have begun to open them
but it's ever so subtle
that i haven't yet noticed

maybe i'll never know
wasn't meant to know
and to spend one more watt
of mental energy on it
is pointless

i don't know
you tell me

© 2001 (10 may) john r. chase

dang it! sometimes i feel like i'm never gonna get this relational stuff right. do i push too hard? do i knock on the wrong doors? is it my breath? i mean, when someone who i pass once a week says, "hi, john" do they use my name because they took a dale-carnegie course, or are they trying to scratch the surface?! anyway, it seems that most everyone is real happy to maintain this surface level with everyone else. i'm not. i can't stand the surface level. i'm no good at it and it makes me sick. let's go deep or let's not go at all...