did i say that out loud :: prev :: next :: why do i feel alone on my own forgotten as if every decision every choice pushes my dreams and the promises i used to recite farther and farther away everything seemed orderly and proceeding to the same point now everything is scattered a chaotic machine running wildly and uncontrollable somewhere i crossed the border from saftey and peace and hope to instability and questions and anger and i don't know how to get back or even if i want to go back everyone else, everyday of their lives struggles to immerse themselvs deeper to hold on to that which will fade yet i find only a few silver cords still keep my soul attached here minute turns into hour turns into day and a week is like a second a minute like a day each one as empty as the last each one another grain of sand that will one day cave in on me and bury me for good my heart is a cavern of emptiness each breath i breathe out is one less i have to breathe each beat of my heart brings me closer to the end with each stone i move or go around i should be stronger not weaker, not emptier even still, i am i feel as if i must be beaten to a bloody pulp until all pride and everything willful is driven from me and i am humbled and broken i would rather be broken and destroyed than to pretend to hold onto what little is left of me my spirit has always been delicate my grasp of my worth a thread of a spider's web established through great toil yet severed so easily... breathe on me breath of God my spirit yearns for you hide me in your fathering arms fill up my longing soul © 2000 (20 july) john r. chase
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