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did i say that out loud

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why do i feel alone
on my own
as if every decision
every choice
pushes my dreams
and the promises i used to recite
farther and farther away

everything seemed orderly
and proceeding to the same point
now everything is scattered
a chaotic machine running wildly
and uncontrollable

somewhere i crossed the border
from saftey and peace and hope
to instability and questions and anger
and i don't know how to get back
or even if i want to go back

everyone else, everyday of their lives
struggles to immerse themselvs deeper
to hold on to that which will fade
yet i find only a few silver cords
still keep my soul attached here

minute turns into hour turns into day
and a week is like a second
a minute like a day
each one as empty as the last
each one another grain of sand
that will one day cave in on me
and bury me for good

my heart is a cavern of emptiness
each breath i breathe out
is one less i have to breathe
each beat of my heart
brings me closer to the end

with each stone i move or go around
i should be stronger
not weaker, not emptier
even still, i am
i feel as if i must be
beaten to a bloody pulp
until all pride
and everything willful
is driven from me
and i am humbled and broken

i would rather be broken and destroyed
than to pretend to hold onto
what little is left of me

my spirit has always been delicate
my grasp of my worth
a thread of a spider's web
established through great toil
yet severed so easily...

breathe on me breath of God
my spirit yearns for you
hide me in your fathering arms
fill up my longing soul

© 2000 (20 july) john r. chase

part b to the smell of donuts' part a. the summer of 2000 was fairly dismal for me. i not only felt that truly all the things i had wanted to do in life would never happen, but i came face to face with my failure at building any meaningful and lasting relationships. as summer turned into autumn, things only got darker. and as i read back on this again, it seems that this was almost the form of a prayer, that was answered. if only i knew for what i had asked...